rice, slice of apple, slice of banana

thats all i had for breakfast today. there was more but daikon smothered fish, fish shaving covered tofu, seaweed salad, and radish salad do not appeal first thing in the morning.
ironically my clinic is known for its gourmet food and all the other patients are enjoying a buffet style breakfast of fresh baked bread, eggs, yogurt instead

im here starving and wondering why they just let the newborns in the baby stn cry and cry and cry. all i hear is baby craying. one little girl in particular just screams pretty much the whole night and morningi can actually tell her cry from all the others since i hearit all the time

anyways im probably going to get in trouble for not eating and truth be told im starving. but i just cant do washoku diet breakfast. im sure the dr will be
pleased if i lose even more than the 2.5 kg ive already lost in 3 days. ill be japanese standards weight acceptable in less than a week.

resigned

so ive been beaten into submission i guess. im too tired to fight anymore as this was already a losing battle as soon as i was coersed into checking in

i just hope that i can be out by sunday night.

at least visiting hours are longer tmw and lily will be here in the morning and ryohei in the afternoon

he came by tonight and it was the first time i smiled in two days. ive been crying every other time the nurses have come to check on me so i think they were probably surprised.

i wish bg would just come so all this would be over but not a single uterine twitch or tmi bleeding...

she is super active though. and i heard babies calm down before labor so i guess there is no way she is willing to cooperate.

since i was finally allowed to shower today i took the liberty of stopping by the baby room. very cute but made me sad i still am waiting

i wanted to say i can read all your comments and tho i cant respond to them thanksso much
i have been feeling so sad and lonely since being admitted here and reading everyone supporting me has given me a great deal of comfort

like i said i am not happy with the situation but hoping to be out before the end of the weekend

btw the nurses are very nice just the dr is a stupid japanese man who obviously has an issue with my weight. why else would u put a 39 week pregnant woman on a diet.

i will not be coming here again after this.

also like many of the previous comments said changing facilities at this point is not possible. i checked...

i really wish i could keepmy eyes on the prize so to speak and concentrate on meeting bg but this experience has really soured the pregnancy thing for me... sorry to be so real. but ive never been a parent before. i cant imagine the joy of having my baby in my arms. never had that experience yet.

instead i feel trapped and once again so angry that since ive moved here my freedom has been taken from me again and again.

i hope in a month or so i will be finally feeling like things are ok.

i had 2 days of freedom and now its gone more than before. even when i am released ill be on bedrest until bg is here and have to once again depend on ryohei for everything. i dont get to enjoy my last baby free days by cooking, taking drives with my husband, or going out to meetwith new friends. it is a bitter pill to swallow and no amount of think of how great it will be when your baby here takes that sense of loss away.

dont get me wrong. i love bg. i want her here... just wantedto enjoy my last times of no responsibility and alone time with my husband as well :(

wtf

what the f-ing hell

i am so so so angry. i asked the dr if i could leave tonight and he said i cant leave for at least another 2-3 days until my f-ing weight stabilizes

what the f-ing hell

when i was admitted i was retaining water but thats mostly all gone now

i just want to go home. my bp is fine now bg is fine.

can i just leave? will i have to find another dr at almost 39 weeks if i do?

i am so upset i want to break something. i made the hugest mistake chosing this clinic. i have
been in a much better mood because i
thought there would be no issue in going home. Now I am even more upset than when I was forced by Ryohei and the dr to check in.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME THAT RESTING AT HOME WONT FIX.

not coming..?

ryohei just emailed and told me has a work meeting tonight.
clinic has visiting hours until 8pm and his work is an hour away so chances are no visit tonight.

even tho we had a fight yesterday i still have been looking forward to him coming.. its so lonely here. everyone else besides me has their baby as a roomy.

who knows if i will update again. they just get more and more depressing.

dry...

so i dont think its pre-e

another low reading

the dr came in and pronouced my results good but wouldnt let me get a word in on when i can leave.

i tried to explain we just moved and that most likely that stress and being on my feet caused the bp spike... but... nothing.

am feeling so down in the dumps again and cant stop all these new tears. i feel so powerless and i have no one around to stick up for me.

there are newborn babies screaming all around me that make it incredibly hard to rest as well as reminding me my own baby isnt here and im stuck all alone here for no good reason

blah

didnt sleep much last night.

two people gave birth through out the night and i got to be privy to it all

btw i havent been given an official pre-e diagnose yet. and the two times theyve checked my bp since being admitted its been way down. which makes me think its stress related more than anything. every check the baby has been given she has been proclaimed genki.

there really is no point in me being here esp. if i dont have pre-e

we cant afford a 2 week plus hospital stay to appease an overly paranoid dr.

i wasnt even allowed a shower today despite my non-high readings since when they admitted me which is no surprise sincei was a complete mess.

ryohei was a jerk yesterday for sure... but hes just buying into all the fear mongering of the dr.

he emailed me last night saying he was lonely and hoped i could come back soon.

i guess he will be coming to visit me tonight so we will talk then.

i am telling the dr that i want to be discharged asap esp if my bp stays low. i have never been one to make waves but if i am not sick and just stressed there is no point in staying. if i have to find another dr at almost 39 weeks than so be it.

btw i know ive made ryohei sound like a complete monster these past posts but im no angel either - u guys just get to hear my at this moment- biased view of the situation.

will write later i guess

not like ive got anything else to do

and to make myself clear if i really AM sick of course i will stay here but im pretty sure my super conservative dr is powertripping as if bg and i were really in trouble there would be no reason not to help me give birth right?

sigh

shes not going to be coming anytime soon on her own. altho stupid dr hasnt even given me a downstairs check yet...

hi again

cant sleep... so another update. im still stinging from ryohei and my fight. he said some other stuff that really hurt thats been rolling around in my head and heart all night.

pretty much along the lines of i dont know if i have the confidence to be with you if you are this selfish and i am too selfish to raise a child etc. he then went on about how he moved to nagaoka for me altho hmm i seem to remember moving here for him.

seeing fun little cracks in your marriage before birth of first child is sure fun

i am so over the weight thing. yes i gained now almost 18kg. yes fat people are evil. apparently i have no selfcontrol and need a diet of plain tofu and spinach to slap me back into prime birthing shape.

if the dr is not willing to induce me i am going to ask to be discharged on the wknd. i can have bed rest perfectly fine from home.

oh and in another slap in the face ive been stuck in the labor room right next to delivery. i can hear someone giving birth in there right now. someone who is not me.

not going to sleep much i think

this is honestly the worst. i CAN choose to refuse treatment right?

omg... i really dont want to have a birds ear listen of thisgoing on next door

back to crying i go